Daily Simpsons Quotes

Marge: [wielding a camcorder at Selma's wedding reception] Ooh, there's
Krusty the Clown. Krusty, Krusty, say something funny!
Krusty: Oh, gee, a joke. Um...Um...Uh, funny, uh, okay. Uh, this guy walks
into a bar and takes out a tiny piano and a twelve-inch pianist. Oh hoho,
no, wait! I can't tell THAT one!

"I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever.
And when they get in, I'm back on the street! With all of my criminal
buddies! Ba-ha-ha-ha-ha!!"
--Sideshow Bob

Marge: I bet we could buy a nice doghouse for $50.
Homer: [sigh] Marge, you're a tool of doghouse makers.
Marge: I am not!
Homer: Yes, you are. You've been brainwashed by all those doghouse
commercials on TV.

Principal Skinner: Groundskeeper Seamus, you're fired.
Seamus: This is all your doin', Willie! I'll turn ye'r groin ta puddin'!!!
Groundskeeper Willie: Ye talk like a poet. But ye hit like one too!!

"I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such movies as 'Today We
Kill, Tomorrow We Die' and 'Gladys the Groovy Mule!'"

Skinner: Um, ladies and gentlemen, the unthinkable has happened. Some sick,
twisted individual has stolen every teacher's edition in this school.
Teacher: What'll we do!?
Mrs. Krabappel: Declare a snow day!
Teacher: Does anyone know the multiplication table?!
Skinner: No, please, don't panic. [peers out the window] They can smell
fear.

Lisa: Wow! Mom'll be happy to hear you won $50.
Homer: You'd think so, wouldn't you? You see, your mother has this crazy
idea that gambling is wrong, even though they say it's okay in the Bible.
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Uh...somewhere in the back.

Burns: Smithers, I've been thinking. Is it wrong to cheat to win a
million-dollar bet?
Smithers: Yes, sir.
Burns: Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if I cheat to win a
million-dollar bet?
Smithers: No, sir. Who would you like killed?

Lisa: It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We
watch an appalling amount of TV.
Homer: Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television!

Grampa: Son, you've got to marry that girl!
Homer: Because it's the honorable thing to do?
Grampa: [slams his hand on the table] No, because you'll never do any
better. Ha ha, you lucky bum! The fish jumped right in the boat, and all
you gotta do is whack her with the oar!

Homer: Do you really think you're pregnant?
Marge: Well, I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I had with
the other kids.
Homer: Yeah, and I have the same tightness in my chest and profuse sweating
I always did.

Homer: Yeah, sure, for you, a baby's all fun and games. For me, it's diaper
changes and midnight feedings.
Lisa: Doesn't Mom do that stuff?
Homer: Yeah, but I have to hear about it.

Mayor Quimby: Henceforth, this date shall forever be known as Flaming Moe's
Day!
Advisor: Uh, sir, this is already Veterans' Day.
Quimby: It can be two things!

Homer: [grumbles] Stupid Moe, non-inventing, recipe-stealing, pug-nosed...
Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can get some consolation in the fact that
something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer: [sickly sweet] Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the
Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! [leaves
the room, slamming the door, then pokes his head back in] Oh, by the way, I
was being sarcastic.
[closes the door]
Marge: Well, DUH!