Paul's blog

Simpsons 8/21

Paul — Mon, 21 Aug 2006 13:42:38 -0400

Marge: [wielding a camcorder at Selma's wedding reception] Ooh, there's
Krusty the Clown. Krusty, Krusty, say something funny!
Krusty: Oh, gee, a joke. Um...Um...Uh, funny, uh, okay. Uh, this guy walks
into a bar and takes out a tiny piano and a twelve-inch pianist. Oh hoho,
no, wait! I can't tell THAT one!

"I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever.
And when they get in, I'm back on the street! With all of my criminal
buddies! Ba-ha-ha-ha-ha!!"
--Sideshow Bob

Simpsons 8/17

Paul — Thu, 17 Aug 2006 12:09:01 -0400

Marge: I bet we could buy a nice doghouse for $50.
Homer: [sigh] Marge, you're a tool of doghouse makers.
Marge: I am not!
Homer: Yes, you are. You've been brainwashed by all those doghouse
commercials on TV.

Principal Skinner: Groundskeeper Seamus, you're fired.
Seamus: This is all your doin', Willie! I'll turn ye'r groin ta puddin'!!!
Groundskeeper Willie: Ye talk like a poet. But ye hit like one too!!

Simpsons 8/13

Paul — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 10:41:28 -0400

"I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such movies as 'Today We
Kill, Tomorrow We Die' and 'Gladys the Groovy Mule!'"

Skinner: Um, ladies and gentlemen, the unthinkable has happened. Some sick,
twisted individual has stolen every teacher's edition in this school.
Teacher: What'll we do!?
Mrs. Krabappel: Declare a snow day!
Teacher: Does anyone know the multiplication table?!
Skinner: No, please, don't panic. [peers out the window] They can smell
fear.

Simpsons 8/12

Paul — Tue, 15 Aug 2006 11:30:34 -0400

Lisa: Wow! Mom'll be happy to hear you won $50.
Homer: You'd think so, wouldn't you? You see, your mother has this crazy
idea that gambling is wrong, even though they say it's okay in the Bible.
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Uh...somewhere in the back.

Burns: Smithers, I've been thinking. Is it wrong to cheat to win a
million-dollar bet?
Smithers: Yes, sir.
Burns: Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if I cheat to win a
million-dollar bet?
Smithers: No, sir. Who would you like killed?

Simpsons 8/11

Paul — Fri, 11 Aug 2006 10:41:32 -0400

Lisa: It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We
watch an appalling amount of TV.
Homer: Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television!

Grampa: Son, you've got to marry that girl!
Homer: Because it's the honorable thing to do?
Grampa: [slams his hand on the table] No, because you'll never do any
better. Ha ha, you lucky bum! The fish jumped right in the boat, and all
you gotta do is whack her with the oar!

Simpsons 8/10

Paul — Thu, 10 Aug 2006 11:22:12 -0400

Homer: Do you really think you're pregnant?
Marge: Well, I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I had with
the other kids.
Homer: Yeah, and I have the same tightness in my chest and profuse sweating
I always did.

Homer: Yeah, sure, for you, a baby's all fun and games. For me, it's diaper
changes and midnight feedings.
Lisa: Doesn't Mom do that stuff?
Homer: Yeah, but I have to hear about it.

Simpsons 8/9

Paul — Wed, 09 Aug 2006 10:31:29 -0400

Mayor Quimby: Henceforth, this date shall forever be known as Flaming Moe's
Day!
Advisor: Uh, sir, this is already Veterans' Day.
Quimby: It can be two things!

Homer: [grumbles] Stupid Moe, non-inventing, recipe-stealing, pug-nosed...
Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can get some consolation in the fact that
something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer: [sickly sweet] Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the
Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! [leaves
the room, slamming the door, then pokes his head back in] Oh, by the way, I
was being sarcastic.
[closes the door]
Marge: Well, DUH!

The Blonde And The Loan

Paul — Wed, 09 Aug 2006 10:18:49 -0400

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

Simpsons 8/8

Paul — Tue, 08 Aug 2006 10:32:35 -0400

Lisa: I gave up the pony.
Homer: You did?
Lisa: Mm hm. There's a big, dumb animal I love even more than that horse.
Homer: Oh no! What is it, a hippopotamus?

Homer: [reading] "Cosby's First Law of Inter-generational Perversity: No
matter what you tell your child to do, he will always do the opposite."
Huh?
Homer's Brain: Don't you get it!? You gotta use reverse psychology!
Homer: Well, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: Okay, DON'T use reverse psychology.
Homer: All right, I will!

Simpsons 8/7

Paul — Mon, 07 Aug 2006 15:18:59 -0400

Marge: Homer, just where were you planning to keep this horse?
Homer: I got it all figured out. By day, it'll roam free around the
neighborhood, and at night, it'll nestle snugly between the cars in our
garage.
Lisa: Dad, no!
Marge: That's illegal!
Homer: That's for the courts to decide!

Marge: We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries.
Homer: Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases
she doesn't even have.